The S.T.A.N.L.E.Y. System
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During our slight hiatus here at TheGloveSlap, I stumbled
upon an epic episode of It’s Always Sunny
in Philadelphia known as “The D.E.N.N.I.S System.” In said episode, Dennis,
using his name as a representative acronym, explains his system for making
women fall madly in love with him. In the same spirit, I present The
S.T.A.N.L.E.Y. System:
Seduce
Make sure she sees you, then move to her and
engage verbally.
Taunt
Blatantly imply your superiority early on in the
conversation, whether it’s something about her or an outrageous compliment
about yourself.
Antagonize
Defend by briefly explaining your taunt; the
goal is to get an immediate rise out of her. As a lady, she inherently has the upper hand, this is where you level the playing field.
Neutralize
She may not be thrilled with you at this
moment. Neutralize the situation by explaining you were (of course) just messing
with her. When that grin appears out of the corner of her mouth: It Is On. Note: If you are too intoxicated, this is
probably where you blow it.
Listen
Be as attentive to her as you were to a pair
of C-cups in 8th grade.
Eye Contact
Now that you’ve listened (and she knows you
care so very deeply about what she has to say), meet her gaze…it will tell
you all you need to know.
Yet another victorah.
It should be noted that the opinions reflected above are
my own. While I have certainly heard about them; I have not consulted with,
read any books by, or watched any TV shows based on any of the amateurs who claim
attracting women is an art. It’s not. It is just a matter of sincerely being
yourself, and I myself stand behind the S.T.A.N.L.E.Y. System.
Posting by Stanley Goodspeed
Image Sources: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1204081/Nicholas-Cage-chased-U-S-authorities-4m-unpaid-income-tax.html
Ten Buck Chuck: That Friend Who Only Carries Up To $10 on Himself At All Times
Everyday, we all venture off into the world knowing reasonably well what kind of financial endeavors we may encounter. Whether it be lunch with a friend, a trip to your local grocery store, or dinner out on the town; you know just how much cash you will need for taxis, valets, or any other “cash only” environments along the way. However, we all have that friend who goes out and for some reason never seems to carry more than $10 in cash. Why you might ask? Because this “friend” is a fucking mooch. Let me introduce you all to Ten Buck Chuck.
Chuck claims to never have cash, but is always willing to pay for things on his credit card at the most inopportune times or in situations where credit cards are not accepted. This allows him to give the convenient response of “Don’t worry, I’ll pay you back” or “If you cover my cab, I’ll buy your first round of drinks.” Unfortunately, this never seems to happen and you always end up covering Chuck’s debts – in addition to his drinks that night. I don’t believe that anybody can consistently leave their house to go out to dinner and party for a night, thinking that $10 will cover them. Sure, we are all short on cash every once in a while, but Chuck has a hidden agenda.
Love them or hate them, we can’t change our friends and their bad habits. However, we sure as shit can call them out on their ridiculous ways. So the next time your Ten Buck Chuck asks you to spot him a few bucks for the valet or taxi, tell him to fuck off, make him walk to the ATM across the street, and enjoy every second of it.
Posting by Castor Troy
Halftime Shows: The Super Bowl’s Achilles Heel
Whether it be the Bud Bowl, or a “wardrobe malfunction” halftime shows are an embarrassment, plain and simple. No matter what the halftime show, at whatever the football game - they are miserable. It feels like interrupting the Downtown L.A. shootout in Heat with a few select scenes from The Notebook or instead of taking a quick scotch break at work, you take a quick manicure break.
Halftime shows are a fucking awful waste of time. This year may be the pinnacle of that awfulness: the black eyed peas (no your band name will not be capitalized in this article). Not to get too sidetracked, but the most important thing to note about said band is that Fergie is ugly. I’m not just saying that she isn’t that hot and that the tall guy from Transformers could probably do better, no not at all. I am saying that she is decisively unattractive. She looks like the unfortunate offspring of a less attractive version of Stifler’s mom and a horse. But yeah, why not, let’s cut away from the fucking Super Bowl, the most glorious occasion of the year, and watch some disgusting creature broadcast her attempt at sexy with her 3 friends who look more like characters from Disney’s Robin Hood than actual people. Yeah, that’s going to help justify $3million for a 30 second ad, why not do that?!
I really can’t think of anything I enjoy less than halftime shows, I just can’t. So, NFL I love you, and love you dearly, but can we please just cut to the studio for some first half highlights and a Victoria’s Secret commercial directed by Michael Bay or two?
Posting by Stanley Goodspeed
Image Source: http://www.thewho.com/index.php?module=news&news_item_id=363
Soda Pot: This Bud’s For You
In an interview with the Santa Cruz Sentinel (surprise, surprise), Clay Butler (who, contrary to what you would infer from his portrait above, allegedly doesn't do drugs or need medical marijuana for any ailments…at the moment) announced his company's plans to supply marijuana dispensaries across Colorado and California with their flagship cola drink, "Canna Cola." Not a fan of cola? Well not to worry, they also plan on producing a Dr. Pepper-like "Doc Weed," lemon-lime flavored "Sour Diesel," grape-flavored "Grape Ape" and of course, the stoner favorite, orange-flavored "Orange Kush." Let's be serious, if Red Bull Cola and ROCKSTAR Coffee drinks can sell, this has more than a chance.
Only in California would an entrepreneur (and one who looks like that) put serious money into the development of stoner cola. As bizarre as it sounds, I say more power to them. If 50 Cent can get rich (and pretend to be an accredited investor) off of colored water with catchy names then these guys surely deserve a very legal shot. We cannot endorse the use of drugs. However, we will applaud Canna Cola and their efforts to "elevate" a new industry...not to mention a few of you along the way.
Posting by Cameron Powe
Image Source: http://www.santacruzsentinel.com/portlet/article/html/render_gallery.jsp?articleId=17179763&siteId=6&startImage=1
The "Is Jay Cutler a Total Bitch" Question Has Been Answered
For the past
week, the biggest question is sport has been "Is Jay Cutler a total
bitch?" Well my friends that question has been unequivocally answered.
If you're
not familiar with the story; Jay Cutler is the starting quarterback for the
Chicago Bears. One drive into the second half of last Sunday's NFC Championship
Game he was removed because of a knee injury. However, when asked by the
trainer, he "didn't know when it happened.” Sounds like a season-ending injury,
eh? The bottom line is that the Bear’s starting quarterback bailed on his team
(his leadership has been questioned plenty of
times well before this) and pouted around on the sideline while his
backup and backup’s backup tried to salvage the game. So, what does the
down-and-out Cutler do after such a shameful performance (aside from avoiding
post-game interviews)? He goes to dinner with his equally amateur, coke-whore of a girlfriend of
course.
Yes that’s right. The night of a (allegedly knee-injury-plagued) performance so
awful (QB Rating of 31.8 – think 31/100 ladies) it will devastate Bears’ fans
for decades, he went out and partied with his friends. Not just for a beer to kill
the pain, but to fucking Mastro's where he got a private party room upstairs. And
here’s the best part…he chose to forgo the elevator and walk up the stairs.
Yeah, go ahead read that again.
For the record not only am I not a Bears fan, I bet on the Packers and won a
considerable amount of money. Having said that, Jay Cutler's crimes are not just
against Bears fans, or the fans of the NFL, or even sports fans in general.
When one is a pussy to this extent, your crimes are against all Americans Jay,
so fuck you.
Love,
Stanley Goodspeed (representing the United States of America)
Image Source: http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/chicago-sports-guru/chicago-bears/
This Is What Happens When Amateurism Is Allowed to Run Wild…
Now I don’t expect you to understand how much this pisses me off. For those of you out there who drive 1991 Honda Accords (who probably did this in the first place), this would be just another minor annoyance in your mediocre lives. But when you drive a brand new car whose lease payment is…let’s just say…above average, this is a mother-fucking-traveshamockery. It would be one thing if this was just a freak accident, but only a few months ago I had not one but two of my tires slashed and know numerous people who have fallen victim to similar bullshit crimes.
Seriously, are there really that many people out there who don’t care about other people’s property?! Or are they just gigantic pussies that are scared to answer for their mistakes and choose to run away when given the chance. All I can say is that karma’s a bitch, and for all of you hit-and-run amateurs out there: the next time I catch one of you even looking at my German automobile with bad intentions, I am going to dole out some good old Walter Sobchak inspired justice with my glove.
Image Source: http://www.empireonline.com/images/features/100greatestcharacters/photos/49.jpg
The Strip Club Guarantee
“Oh my god there is a real-life naked chick with the biggest, fakest, most awesome tits of all time - right in front of me.” One’s first trip to a strip club provides this exact life changing revelation. Yes, Naked women are undeniably magnificent and strip clubs deliver them in droves. Having said that, I could not be more opposed to them. No, not because they objectify women; that doesn’t bother me at all. I am opposed to them because they offer one of life’s few guarantees…and a preposterous one at that. I don’t care how outrageously handsome or undeniably unattractive you are; if you go into a bar, restaurant, gym, or even grocery store, guess what? You have at least a shot at meeting an awesomely hot chick and taking it from there. At a strip club, you are GUARANTEED to fail in any such pursuit. Why, you ask? Because it is quite literally their fucking job to make you think they want to go home with you, only to strut back down that catwalk with a g-string full of your hard earned money. Their very purpose of being is to convince you that after just one more lap dance they might let you break the no touching rule. To those of you who have (or claim to have) banged strippers: I tip my hat – but just barely, you are after all a stripper’s ‘type’. I’m not saying it can’t or hasn’t been done (broken clocks are also right twice a day), it’s just about spending time wisely. Honestly, one is better off trying to pick up a one-night-stand at midnight mass, or invading a lesbian bar. For the record, the “Wait, the guy who wrote articles about the glory of Sideboob, slutty Halloween costumes, Kenny Powers, and MILFs doesn’t like strip clubs?” question is a fair one, and I believe only highlights how qualified I am to have made my point here today. To some, a strip club is a beacon of hope…a reason to believe why we are here. Hopefully now you understand what they simply guarantee: an excessive (and expensive) waste of time. Posting by Stanley Goodspeed Image Source: http://benigngirl.wordpress.com/2008/08/06/feminist-stripper-performance-sculpture-assemblage-mosaic-art/
The Triple Shot Trenta: Bringing “Getting Your Fix” To a Whole New Level
If there are two things I know about America, it's that Americans love their coffee, and that in America, bigger is always better. Looks like Starbucks is fulfilling the American dream with their new ludicrously oversized coffee dubbed Trenta, which will be available nationwide by May 3rd (affording them enough time to scour the earth for the necessary cup manufacturing materials).
This otherworldly cup of coffee is a whopping 916mL, which ironically is 16mL more than the average human stomach can handle (thanks Huffington Post). What human being can honestly drink this much coffee without running himself off a fucking cliff, only to keep running once he hits the ground? Luckily you won’t have to worry about drinking your near half-gallon of coffee before it gets cold; Starbucks has made sure to only offer this size for iced coffee drinks (because God knows what kind of lawsuit would come out of someone spilling a full liter of scalding hot coffee on themselves). Oh and, I reiterate, the Trenta contains 16mL more than the average human stomach can handle.
Look, I’m all for getting the most bang for your buck, but in my opinion, bigger doesn’t always mean better. Fat prostitutes…definitely not better. Rocky fighting fighting Ivan Drago…lets just say, fuck you Russia, Rocky’s heart triumphed over your roid rage. The state of Texas…Easy pass. If there’s one thing to be learned from all this, it is have health insurance. Starbucks does make delicious coffee, but they won’t be there to pay your hospital bills when your stomach explodes due to overconsumption of said delicious coffee at a bargain price. Consumers beware.
Posting by Castor Troy
Image Source: http://simplysavor.com/
Fast Food Anomalies Gone Right #1: McDonald’s McRib – The Sauce, the Sandwich, the Legend
The McRib, tested very well in Midwestern markets in 1980 (surprise, surprise) and was added to the restaurant's permanent menu in 1981. However, it was removed in 1985, only to be brought back repeatedly as a “limited time offering.” In 2005 McDonald’s “threatened” to retire the McRib for good, which led to the McRib’s status as the “cult-classic food” that it is today (complete with its very own McRib Locator website). In November, McDonalds kicked off six weeks of nationwide McRib availability, which reportedly boosted system-wide sales by 4.8% (maybe it’s a little more than a cult classic afterall).
Not only is the McRib delicious, but it seems to be the gift that keeps on giving (and not just for your digestive system). Recently an unemployed man in Wisconsin put his EBT card to good use at McDonalds, when he turned his McRib value meal into a check for $1 million. So, the next time you sit puzzled in the golden arches drive through window, open your heart to the McRib, a meal that will certainly open your taste buds to a whole new world of flavor gone right.
Posting by Cameron Powe.
For That Special Skank In Your Life
First, “bring some bling into your fling” with Tajazzle. This 3-step system will ensure your lady friend has the utmost confidence in herself with this innovative new product guaranteed to make her look good, smell good and – wait for it, yup – taste good all day, every day. Nothing says CLASS like a knock-off Swarovski tramp stamp.
Lucky for you, and all of us, it gets better. For the classiest ladies out there, you can go with the V-steam package (or chai-yok as it has been referred to by our Korean friends for centuries). I’ll spare you the details, but you get it…For those last minute shoppers, Daengki Spa in Koreatown offers a 45-minute V-Herbal Therapy treatment for – I shit you not – “$20 a squat.”
For those of you who blew it last week and are scrambling for a make-up gift, you better keep looking, as this probably didn’t help. For the rest of you, happy new year…and stay the fuck out of Koreatown!
Posting by Cameron Powe
